"As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in a
mother's womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of
all things." (
Ecclesiastes 11:5)
We got the most precious, unexpected Christmas gift this year. A lingering case of nausea prompted me to take a pregnancy test, and, before dawn on Christmas Eve, I learned that I was pregnant. Overwhelmed with joy and surprise, I wrapped the test to give to Nick. After I was sure he was good and awake, I presented him with the package. I wish I could have snapped a photo of the look on his face as he opened his gift. It was the most genuinely happy smile I think I've ever seen him smile. From there, we hugged, kissed, high-fived and went on to share the good news with everyone downstairs. I will never forget how our celebratory cheers were punctuated by Andy's screams as he stepped in my parents' poor, incontinent dog's poop. It was impossible for us to restrain the laughter. Once the mess was cleaned, Nick immediately began researching minivans.
The nausea lingered for a couple more days, and I was convinced I was having another Emmy. Emmy was convinced I was carrying a baby boy, and she had already decided to call him Jacob Ryan after her favored cousin, Jacob Ryan. Nick was sure I was having multiples given my early onset of symptoms.
We got wrapped up in the holiday festivities, but when there was a quiet moment, my head would start picturing our family of five, and I felt really, really happy about it.
On New Years Eve, it became clear that something wasn't right. I called Dr. Anderson's nurse, Emily, who told me that to keep monitoring myself but to go to the Emergency Department if things got any worse. And she told me that she was praying for us. After a fitful night of sleep, I decided to take another pregnancy test. I was starting to feel crazy, like I'd made the whole thing up. It was still positive, but I was really worried about the baby's safety and decided I needed to go to the hospital.
Grateful to have Nick home to care for the girls, I walked into the empty Emergency Department and was seen right away. After a couple of hours, my blood work results came back. Everything was normal except for the pregnancy hormone level. It was too low to be compatible with a 6 week embryo. They sent me home with orders to have the test redone in two days. Which, as predicted, was even lower than the previous value, indicating that I had miscarried.
Just today Emmy spontaneously asked me if I had a baby in my belly. I told her not anymore, that the baby had gone to live with God in Heaven. A few moments later she asked if I was going to have another baby sister. I told her maybe someday. Nick followed up by asking her if she wanted a baby brother; she told him that he had already gone to Heaven to be with God. The peek into her innocent understanding of all this is so heartwarming.
We are at peace, knowing that God is in control. I look at my two beautiful, healthy babies and have a renewed sense of awe at the miracle of life. I believe that God protected my heart by allowing this to happen with an unexpected pregnancy, after experiencing two healthy ones. I can't fathom the heartbreak that comes for those couples who have tried to conceive, only for the precious life they created to be lost. Not to mention, so far, I've been spared from the physical pain that comes with a miscarriage at an older gestation.
There will be a day that we will be reunited with our sweet baby. Until then, I rest well knowing that he or she is wrapped securely in the arms of our Lord.
